The principle of happiness is a wonderful one to adhere to and, oftentimes, it takes courage. When I look back on this year, typing this in the light of my mum’s christmas tree, cross-legged in a rather comfy chair with my rather poorly boyfriend (he’s had the flu) in a dressing gown to my left, all I can do is take a breath. I’m here. At the beginning of the year I was existing – and that was ok. I’d decided to surround myself with the things that I loved, to created my own little world. I’d decided to begin my masters for the sake of being passionate about the subject – no more, no less. The job I had allowed to me exist, to treat myself and to explore my interests.
Then, I met Darren.
Our story is one for another blog, one about the modern world of dating and all of its confusing nuances. One where, at the end of it all, you can actually be pleasantly surprised – it can all fall into place and you can become your own cliche. We’ll focus on the aftermath. In what to many may seem like no time at all, we’d found ourselves in our first flat together. The money I’d had sitting around whilst living with my mum and grandparents became tangible – we bought a sofa, a dresser, a Poang chair from IKEA (henceforth the comfiest chair in exisence) and, it all became ours. There’s definitely a magic there. We both agree in the shaping of our world.
I sort of fell into what I believed to be my dream job and there was a great deal of fanfare. It transpired that, although I loved the people who I was working with, something had been niggling. I worked in especially close proximity with my manager and, over time, I was coming home downcast. I was questioning the abilities that others could clearly see. I felt that I couldn’t be me and be there at the same time. I’d breathe a sigh of relief whenever I was left alone in the office, even though, ultimately, I felt very lonely. The weekly Thursday 1:1s had me on a knife’s edge and I felt strangely trapped.
What followed? A deep sense of inadequacy. The sort of inadequacy that you shouldn’t really feel when you have everything going for you, when you’re only 23, when you had been hopeful and should always be hopeful.
So, I hit reset. I decided that the most powerful play I had was to remove myself from that environment and to take stock, to reset – which is what I’ve had the time to do since.
It was scary, it was very overwhelming. But now? It’s all ok. I start a new job in January, one on my own merit – I can do what I do and I can do it well. That certainly proved a point to myself – I just needed to find my confidence again. Any past workplace confusion, any little digs, that wasn’t necessarily the norm and I’m proud that I was brave enough to step away from, what now, seems another world away.
I recently celebrated my 24th birthday with my family and it was wonderful. I adore what I have and believe in the brightest possible future…
I’ve a love affair with new starts, but, I’m hoping to now actually build something – to add to the worth that I’ve already accumulated.
I’ve put a pause on my masters and I feel a strange sense of relief. At one point in time, I felt that I needed it for myself. Having stepped away from it, I’m reminded that you can still do things for yourself – they may just change slightly and, that’s ok.
To that end, I’ll be lifestyle blogging a little more – because there are always moments to be thankful for and sharing, connection, is important. The noteworthy has always been at the heart of She Noted and, that will never change moving forward.
So. Where am I now? I’m celebrating.
I think my message is to always re-centre yourself and to come back to what makes you happy. Find the ways in which you can be happy. Just keep going, stay kind and don’t lose that sense of self; of a mindful existence.
Do talk to people, do question things and do know that nothing is truly inescapable.
That’s all really, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and the best possible start to the New Year. Nourish your happiness and treasure your world.
I very much look forward to creating in 2019.